Recovery, relapse, repeat.

loveisfluid:

boundunbound:

clauderabbit:

myawfulpersonality:

Having an anxiety disorder is like that moment where your chair almost tips or you miss a step going down the stairs but it never stops

Shit

Truth

THIS IS THE ONLY DESCRIPTION OF ANXIETY I HAVE EVER IDENTIFIED WITH

THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

BUT HOURS- SOMETIMES DAYS- LONG

Relapse.. Failure.. Fuck this!

52 days down the drain… I thought I was done cutting, I was actually starting to be happy … Slowly, but surely… I mean, I havent eaten much lately, but, I was starting to be happy-ish. My scars had faded for the most part and I’m so dissapointed in myself… I dont understand why I have to be such a failure…

This is my mommy. Yes, I still call her mommy for two reasons; 1. She isnt here with me anymore and 2. Its the only real part of my childhood that I have left. I miss her so much… You guys dont even know. I know you probably wont really read this and im typing this for no real reason. Anyways, right now I want nothing more than to talk to her about what i should do. I just, I wish I could have one more day… Just to ask her about stuff and talk to her about things. I havent gotten to grief, I guess you would say, over her death. I was the one out of the whole family who was the adult. Nobody could really do anything. I was ten at the time and thats when I actually grew up… I didnt really have a choice. I miss her more than anything though…

This is my mommy. Yes, I still call her mommy for two reasons; 1. She isnt here with me anymore and 2. Its the only real part of my childhood that I have left. I miss her so much… You guys dont even know. I know you probably wont really read this and im typing this for no real reason. Anyways, right now I want nothing more than to talk to her about what i should do. I just, I wish I could have one more day… Just to ask her about stuff and talk to her about things. I havent gotten to grief, I guess you would say, over her death. I was the one out of the whole family who was the adult. Nobody could really do anything. I was ten at the time and thats when I actually grew up… I didnt really have a choice. I miss her more than anything though…

Do you know what its like to look into the mirror and hate everything you see. To judge every ounce of your being. To repeat in your head “im fat , im ugly,” do you know what its like? Do you? Ill tell you what its like . Its like being traped. Theres no way to escape right? No exit ? No entry? Its all very confusing and it hurts to be traped . Well every god damn fucking day im traped because that mirror is my worst enemy im disgusted by what it shows me .. a fat fucking ugly worthless piece of shit .. i just want out .. i want to be free .. i want to be pretty i want to be skinny .. so i do those “things” to find the escape .. but in all reality youre never trully satisfied.
Ana…

To be completely honest, I love the feeling of being hungry… And it terrifies me….

He says he loves when I laugh, the irony of it is that I’m always sad..

I had three bites of a Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich, I took three bites and I felt sick with myself. I started to almost cry… I just wish to be skinny again…

When I say: I'm not feeling well
I mean: I honestly do not want to be here.
When I say: I'm tired.
I mean: I've had enough
When I say: I'm fine, really.
I mean: I am the opposite of fine.
People think that I'm lazy or whatever, when in reality depression disables my motivation. Getting up in the mornings are the hardest part even if I have amazing plans for that day. I laugh and smile, but that doesn't mean I'm okay or better. I talk a lot, but that's to hide my self doubt and general hatred of myself. When I deny compliments, it's not because of the person saying it, it's because I genuinely believe I am not "pretty", or "wonderful". I'm just... Not those things. I'm the opposite. Depression isn't something you beat, you live with it for your life. You don't win. You survive. But sometimes, even the best survivors break.